When You Work for the Church

When Asian American Women on Leadership invited me to write an article on self-control, I said yes. How ironic, since self-control is so much about saying no, and I haven’t been saying no enough lately. But writing this article gave me the opportunity to reflect on my life and ministry, and I share it here for your encouragement. I welcome your comments below.

When it comes to practical examples of self-control, I might automatically think of eating just a few potato chips instead of the whole family-size bag. Or spending within my budget instead of maxing out my credit card.

But over the last months, it seems that every email I write starts with an apology that it’s taken me so long to respond. I’m ready just in time for the next writing deadline, just in time for the next sermon, just in time for the next commitment. I usually do the weekend crossword puzzles to relax, but I’m four weeks behind—not that I have to do them every week, but it’s another indication of the lack of margin in my life.

A Positive Power

This experience has led me to reflect on a different kind of self-control that’s not about eating potato chips or spending money. I’m thinking about self-control as the more general ability to say no.

In her memoir, The Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes (the creator of Grey’s Anatomy and other hit television shows) shares her adventure of saying yes to opportunities that she would normally say no to. For her, I gather that saying yes was a way to love herself and add joy to her life. I haven’t taken time to read her book—since I’ve been too busy saying yes to too many other things!—but it seems to me that to love myself and add joy to my life, I need to go in the opposite direction. I need to discover the positive power of saying no.

A Prayerful Consideration

I realize that too often I have said yes too quickly out of a sense of obligation or a distorted sense of responsibility, out of guilt feelings or a sense of honor at being asked. Or because I don’t want to disappoint other people. Or because I love ministry and want to serve. But too often my quick yes has come at the expense of other existing commitments and my own need for rest.

So instead of jumping at every opportunity and saying yes too quickly and without due consideration, I realize that I need self-control—to take a step back, to think through and pray through what is being asked of me. What is God’s call to me at this time? Can I say yes to something new without compromising all of the other yeses in my life, including time for family, friends, Sabbath, rest, paying bills, cooking and cleaning, and my current constellation of ministry in speaking, writing, and editing?

A Path to Greater Fruitfulness

I once read that self-control comes last in the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23) not because it’s less important than the others, but because it binds them all together. Without self-control, our practice of love for God and for others would be inconsistent. Without self-control, patience, kindness, and gentleness in all things and for all people would be impossible. And as I know from my own experience, without self-control, sometimes the good and faithful service that we want to offer with joy gets crowded out by feelings of guilt and by the pressures of being overcommitted. While self-control might sound limiting, I see it now as a path to greater fruitfulness and flourishing.

That at least is the kind of self-control I’m looking for in my life, and I’ve already started practicing. With self-control, I blocked off some time to deal with my too many unanswered emails. I’ve said no to a new ministry opportunity that wouldn’t fit well with my existing commitments. And yes, tonight I plan to settle down in front of the fireplace with a cup of tea and solve a crossword puzzle.

An earlier version of this article was posted on Asian American Women on Leadership.